• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
   
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
   
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
   
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
   
• The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
   
• All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
   
• It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
   
• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
   
• Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
   
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
   
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
   
• If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
   
• You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
   
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
   
• If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
   
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
   
• When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
   
• Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
   
• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
   
• Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
   
• Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
   
• All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
   
• Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
   
• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
   
• It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
   
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
   
• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
   
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
   
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
   
• When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
   
• No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
   
• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
   
• You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
   
• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
   
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

* I don't pretend to have created this humorous list. I received it as an e-mail forward and would like to thank the author. If I find that this material is copyrighted I will promptly remove it from my website.